It sucks.

    After being rejected twice by BC members it's so funny to find out I am so strong in leadership, strong enough to frighten the guy who's in charge of recruitment. "you are so strong in leadership and presentation skills, however we are looking for someone who's good at delivery, good at carrying out our plans." These two who has interviewed me gave me amazingly similar feedback is that I am so strong in leadership, but it sucks.

    That did confuse me a bit. I got turned down for being strong in leadership? It's kinda hard to believe since I always take this as positive comments however it was exactly why I got turned down. It sucks, every time they took up my resume I could tell it's never gonna happen. Since who on earth wants an intern to be leader? It's always carrying out orders and following makes up an intern's job. How much would I be eager to tell those guys: Just forget those I have done in the past and hand me some jobs, strong in leadership means less compliance? For god's sake that's all crap! How can one lead the others without knowing how to finish a job? Further more, that's what I had done, not what I could do only, I can be a great learner as well!

    But I failed, twice. However I do take it positively since it's such a great evidence of my leadership which I think could be of great help in my job hunting and career. There has to be someone looking for a true leader, then I'll make it.

    It was first in my life time, that someone told me strong in leadership is something really bad, bad enough to stay away from.

    It's just funny.

I know I have to,but I don't know why,

 

Just like Phoebe said: I know I am mad at you, I know I am.

 

Maybe as a remind of the existence of this place.

 

Anytime I turn around, it's always there, unchanged.

 

Then there comes my smile.

    the toughest decision ever has been made:Quit the challenger's competition

    It may seem a little meaningless and ironic since it's just 4 days before the final day.

    I m just so sorry to all of my teammates...well I guess I can be a total SOB here so to be true,part of them.

    So annoyed by both my own performance and their awful jobs, I do wanna ask what the hell is going on with all these? The most capable guy(at least he looks so) in the team has done the most lousy job, which really depresses me a lot because he's the only one who wasnt my original team member. He's in because one of my teammates "accidentally" told him our project and he said he was interested with it. Maybe I should just squeeze him in the cradle and shut him out of the door. hey but if u r in all because of "interest" could u please at least show ur passion? The stupid guy said he spent all his winter vocation into G-MAT study and had done nothing about the work, followed which he promised me that he would surely made out the marketing part in the last week. And then it is 2 days after the deadline I've made while I still got nothing and all the people are waiting for his work. I'd wanna say sth Chandler: "Excuse me? How dump u r!!!!!?"

    Well of course he's just whom all my complain goes to while too far away from bearing the whole responsibility. I suck too, for not having enough motivation on everybody, and for not having enough control on the schedule. As a leader I m just kinda "Rachel", by which I mean a pushover. I m not cruel enough to draw their whole attention on this job. Apart from the CET-6 which is too over-demanding to ask them to ignore, there were times like some of the teammates were taking other jobs, and some of them were just busy reviewing the classes, and during the winter vocations they even went out for fun with all the jobs remained undone. I guess I can get them back simply while I didnt do that, offering myself the excuse of "not interrupting others' normal life" or sth. Well be a leader I guess it's neccessary to care about that but also not too much coz work comes first. If u lose ur control on the team how can u manage to control the work?

    I guess I just make it too easy to be a leader while it turns out too far away from that. In the very beginning the leader's job in my mind was to make a reasonable schedule and organize the whole team to work, and organize means nothing but sending out notices and holding discussion and sth like that. Well actually u have to make a balance on a lot of things like relationship between the team members, the work and their normal life, and also have to consider piles of stuff like their motivation, their emotional needs, their states, their ad and disadvantage in capability etc. Away from a giant as I expected, I m just a to-be-slaughtered sheep after pushing onto the stage.

    There's just tons of stuffs remain unknown to me that I may just be modest enough to be a baby-like learner and just go through all the stuff heartedly to fulfill myself. I dont know whether or not the consecutive loses that makes me strong enough to face it. Although I look like a coward to give up today but there should be sth positive among all the lousy jobs of mine.

    Well it is becoming non-surprising to find out my poor performance in the finals.

    It started to be a routine or sth, Although I will never ever believe it. From the numbers, not bad, all above 80, while from the rank, the last quarter among all the students. Is it so called "I did well but only others did better?" To tell the truth I didnt expect to get in top 10 or sth but still, there wont be such one day that I could have expected I would fall into the bottom minority.

    It is funny enough that this place has become where all my complains go to. Maybe it should simply change its name into "spaceforppcomplains"^_^At least there is some place where I could refer to when I have certain complains.

    Well this days has been a torture. It is such a chilly day that none can afford going out without the acknowledgement of suffering. Last night when I was pulled out of my bedroom by my dad to dine outside, I indeed cursed him...And as a return from god I was standing on the cold rainy street waiting for a taxi for like half an hour while still got nothing. The moment I got back home I just simply swore to god that I would neither curse my dad nor go out anymore...

    It's no kidding of the weather. The highway was frozen so that the traffic could hardly run on. 100,000 people were stuck in the station of Guangzhou, some of which had truly died from coldness. The railway had been turned down for like above 24 hours or more, resulting in the great jam of passengers and goods. I've just never realized that it could so simply become a disaster.

    Days gone by and my worries goes all along with them. The worries about future, career, relationship have crushed down my head. although I was always acting like "nothing a big deal" in front of others, how can I myself not feel even the tiny fear of it? My nerves feel so tight that whatever I did was all in vain to help ease it a bit. Every time when I heard others' getting a satisfying offer it feels like a slight touch on a blade. Every step I made was like on the breaking ice that you would never be able to figure out at what time you would fall.

    However, being cracked down by presseure is so not me. I guess the fear has just pushed me on working hard instead of preventing me from approaching. Like Chandler said, we need some fear, so we could move on.

    为什么?为什么又会回到这里?问了千遍却还没有个结果来.

    冬日的天气总是带点微寒,正如这个小小的空间,让人涩于接近.曾经不知道多少次路过,看见这里漫布的尘灰,却无心打扫.尽管那个被锁在这里的人用多少可怜的眼光向我恳求,我也没有应允.我能看见他眼里闪烁的期许,却没有看见他眼里的踌躇,孤独和迷惘.

    今天回到这里,是不是意味着我也开始踌躇了呢?不敢说.像我签名里写的,我一直都觉得,只有奋斗才有路,一旦感到迷惘和犹豫,我会毫不迟疑地打破它,with certain weapons.但现在却有种无力感,最近两次的失败让自己一贯的自信全部哑火了.心情,有种很微妙的低落,虽然知道机会会有下一次,并让自己埋头去奋发,但看着别人的成果时,有一种感觉总是在蔓延,他介绍自己说,他叫做嫉妒.走在活动的会场,看见漫天的人和店,听着他们破烂的口语和不专业的谈判,不屑而又无可奈何.记得前晚跟师兄聊的时候他告诉我说,他当年参加的比赛也没入围,看总决赛的作品却也觉得不怎么样.我心底里笑,原来怀这种鬼胎的不独我一人.然而接着他说:"学习过以后到了今天,却发现自己做的那份报告是那么垃圾,别人的虽然并不华丽,但就是比你想得全面."突然间又觉得自己小气得可以.昨晚小学同学过来,一个个惊讶我为什么没能挺进决赛,我都只是傻笑以对.好像自己也觉得不应该,但似乎事实就是那样.

    问过自己,怀疑过自己,觉得如果自己真的如想象中能干,为什么会发生这样的铁一般的事实.我自己给不出一个答案.他们都说,那是因为我还没尽全力吧?感觉好像是个挺不负责任的回答,只是纵容自己期待下一次机会的借口."我没尽全力而已,尽全力一定能行."让我想起小学的一件往事.当时我和一位很胖的朋友去打机,他总是吹牛说自己打架很厉害.我也觉得他长那么大块头应该也没错.结果那次我们遇上一帮流氓来抢钱,他一直就在我旁边看,任他们把我的钱抢走.然后当我哭死的时候他在我旁边安慰我说:最恨今天我尾指疼,不然一定把他们打得落花流水.现在想起来这件事无比可笑,也让我认清了一个人,结果我也没再跟他玩了.同时昨天看Survivor China的时候听见Leslie说:They win because they got this(Pointing at her heart),not this(pointing at her arm).我才开始明白可能一直以为自己是有能力的这种自信还不足够,或许还需要有一种自信,一种成功的自信.

    挑战杯又再即,或许已经没有时间让我独自感伤了.这回自己组队,不再像过往的被动,全心全意地干一回,让那些他们说还在沉睡的潜能,都给我苏醒过来吧.

    God bless.

 

 

 

 

 

While I can still get it without your blessing

      It's funny being back here.
      A weird push which comes from nowhere makes me here all again when I was wondering where I can express my feelings.Seems it's always gonna be my home here.I want nobody has been seeing this,I hope so.
      Well I am a little bit depressed last night,for what?damn hell who knows.Maybe it's the stupid fight,or we should say argument,or conflict whatever.I've been owning this terrible habit of correcting others.It makes me feel my existence did make sense.While this poor habit works for a while that maybe tons of friends would turn to me as soon as they met a problem,while sometimes it doesn't.For example to the one who I care most.
      As she told me she just wants nothing but someone who can be complained to,while I keep correcting her false or something,which inevitably may have caused scold or blame or even yelling.It is easy to imagine how one would feel when being treated like this.Like yesterday when I was with her she complained to me that she felt exhausted coz she'd been standing there at the cafe all day while I myself,being ill again,doubted that she should have sat down since no one kept her standing there.Again she found some reasons to fight and there,we made a little discussion,or argument whatever.Well stupid as it looks like I think there will never be any couples have fought for this kind of reason but it did,happen between us.She's kinda stubborn so she's ill of being offended,doubted while I m so in favor of correcting others.
      But the so-call fight wasn't that serious as I said since it lasted no more than 2 minutes.But when she and I were on the phone at night,she told me about the pleasant things happened with her workmates,which makes me think about how I this boyfriend thing act when she's in trouble.I made it worse when she told me she's tired,and no matter how hard I try it didn't make sense at all,while her workmates relieved her a lot with ease by just being around.Am I so poor at caring for others?Can't I just be a listener that offer her my shoulders when she's in trouble?And you know what?I even doubted whether I've been wrong all through my life that maybe no one actually cares about my advice and they just felt annoyed when I was shooting out my so-called advices.
      But I still believe things don't go that far as I suppose.Maybe it's just her alone that hates my reaction.Do I need a change?Well I think so at least to her.I know it would be tough but yeah,for someone,you gotta make some change.

      How many times there has been,that I was so deeply moved by the vivid humanity?A second view on the movie "Airforce One",a shiny spirit was hot-burning right under my left chest.

      Someone may joke:it was nothing but movie,it would never happen in real coz no one dare to bet all on a single person,even himself maybe.yeah they might be right but, what I can see is humanity,is the simple spirit that bears the faith of all Americans.It wasn't for which the US will never stand steadily above the world with its well-known freedom and unique care on the lowest people.Movie,on some stardards,represents the culture of a whole nation,that makes America.

      It reminds me of the Chinese movie.How long is it since I was last time moved and shocked by Chinese movie?I couldn't count.The light grey color and the complication in humanity reflected in the movie did have annoyed me time and time again.It repeatedly emphasizes the responsibility and loyality to the nation,but never,not once,talks about what we should do to other people in positive way.We should be unconditionally loyal to the country while we dont have to pay the least attention to people around us?All we can do to others is keep fooling and deceiving?If Chinese movies represent Chinese culture,I could have to define it as "loyal to the country and people themselves,that we call the latter one selfish"

      There has been times,that American movies make me feel that human beings are the most beautiful lives in the world.They help others with no repayment,even it means sacrifice of themselves.They smile on seeing others smiling,and a whole country,would be tightly concerned on the tiniest life on the other side of the world.That keeps me hoping,that there will be finally one day,others in the world would look at Chinese right with the same sight as mine.